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Opinion: I Don’t Care if the World is Watching, I Will Not Pretend to Enjoy These Thanksgiving Ceremonies
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by Malia Obama

Ok, enough is enough already. I need to be blunt for a moment. As the daughter of the President of the United States, I have to put up with a lot of ceremonial bullshit. Day after day I am dragged to award presentations, commemorations, memorials, blah, blah, blah, basically whatever event some self-conscious group who feels absent from the national spotlight throws together so we can all pretend we care for an hour or two. And like a self-respecting preteen role model ought to do, I always give my best smile and bring out the twinkle in my eyes to show the country I am mature, respectful, and a straight up darling quite frankly.


But the truth is, I can only take so much. At each one, I become less and less inspired, as they begin to meld together into a hazy patchwork of decorative plaques and self-important speeches. And I’m losing my patience.

It wasn’t so tough in the early years…the whole process was still new and I just assumed I was supposed to do what the people in suits were telling me I ought to. But over time, I realized that no one, including my father, actually gave the slightest damn about these events. It was facade after facade, memorizing a few key words (e,g., ‘navy’, ‘heroes’, ‘good job’) and giving a quick comment and a flashing my pearly whites before heading back to the white house to immediately forget everything I had just promised to remember forever.

So this time I am taking a stand. I will not be smiling innocently as I stand out in the freezing cold in Washington, or Arlington, or wherever the hell dad needs his Turkey day photo opp. This time I am going to act like a kid, dammit. I am going to complain about how boring it is. I am going to cry and ask that we go home. And I’m going to do it in front of the whole nation.

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I already know what my mom is going to say: “Malia, this is a holiday in which we are supposed to give thanks…aren’t you thankful for all you’ve been given?” Not going to work this year. At every occasion there’s some lame excuse. Something like  “These veterans died for you, Malia”, “If it weren’t for Martin Luther King Jr. there could never be a black family in the white house, Malia”, or “You don’t have to be Jewish to appreciate the message of Sukkot, Malia.”

Well let me just say right up front I am not thankful for the opportunity to spend yet another holiday pretending to care at all about some tradition or group of people who need my affection. Suck it up, guys. I am not dressing up in a turkey costume, I am not helping to give food at a homeless shelter, and I am definitely not listening to some old fat white dude talk about the proud history of this holiday. I am going to relax, watch some football, and eat some turkey in peace. If I can just have a holiday to myself for once, well, that would really be something to be thankful for.

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting



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