Poll: 95% of Zimbabweans Looking Around to See if Anyone Else Will Start Protesting Elections First
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Sources are reporting that a recent poll by a non-government organization in Zimbabwe shows that the vast majority of Zimbabweans are looking around at their neighbors and coworkers to see if anyone will start protesting the controversial re-election of President Robert Mugabe.

“It certainly seems like the elections were rigged, as members of Mugabe’s party were given a clean majority in the Parliament despite public frustration with their policies,” says local businessman Morgan Nyambuya.


“I think I would protest the results…but I don’t want to be the first one. I’m sure someone else will start the rally, and then I’ll probably join in.”

Nyambuya’s thoughts echo those of the vast majority of citizens according to the poll. Surveys show that some citizens are trying to bring up the prospect of protesting in casual conversation, while others are just roaming the streets to see if anyone has already begun doing it.

“I got pretty excited when I saw my neighbor making a sign out in front of his house yesterday, but it turns out it was just for a garage sale,” says Judith Towungana, who works as a sales associate in a technology firm.

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“I actually have some protest signs of my own prepared in my house, I would really love an opportunity to use them. But I’m not about to go marching down to Harare by myself.”

When the aforementioned neighbor was approached by journalists about the comments of Towungana, he responded by noting that he also had signs ready to go in his house and is disappointed that she didn’t bring it up. He also noted that now he thinks it’s too late to say something and doesn’t want to make the situation awkward.

These types of interactions appear to be typical throughout the country at the moment. Additional data from the poll confirmed that of the 95% who are looking around to see if anyone has started protesting, 89% would ‘strongly consider’ joining in such a movement. The remaining 6% would reportedly only do so if their friends or someone they were trying to date was doing it.

President Mugabe has not spoken on the possibility of an uprising against his government, but a chief presidential aide has noted that as each day passes it becomes less likely that anything will actually happen.

“It has almost been a week since the election. As time passes, Zimbabweans will find it much more difficult to find a good opportunity to bring it up. President Mugabe is confident that the time has passed and he appears to be in the clear for the next few years.”

At press time, sources confirmed that a small group near the capital had begun organizing a meeting to discuss a protest, but cancelled it last-minute due to rain.

Note:This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.


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