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Report: Gay Divorce Rate Up 400% Following DOMA Ruling

Following the recent decision by the Supreme Court to declare the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional earlier today, sources are reporting that gay divorce rates are skyrocketing at a historic and unrelenting pace.

“The statistics are clear- many gays want to get married, and many others want to end that marriage as soon as it becomes strained, loveless, or in some cases only slightly uncomfortable,” says Jeremy Andrews, a law professor at the University of Oregon.

While some homosexuals find the notion to be incredibly offensive given the long civil rights battle to attain equality in the eyes of the federal government, others are ready to exercise their new rights however they please.

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“Wendy and I got married earlier this afternoon. It was a beautiful ceremony, and it felt wonderful to engage in our new liberty and take part in such a hallowed institution. But the post-wedding buzz is wearing off, and I never realized how whiny she can get when she’s tired. Needless to say I’m ready to divorce that bitch and move on with my life,” says Melody Jones, an architect and newlywed.

The passage of the DOMA bill also provides an opportunity for a new breed of hustlers – ‘gay golddiggers’ – to set up sham relationships and siphon off cash once they feel ready to abandon and profit.

“Before DOMA, it was basically impossible to con some rich gay stud into giving you half of their possessions. Most of my former clients were either close to death or posing as heterosexuals. It’s nice to know that now in many states I can manipulate the feelings of whomever I please to get a sweet settlement,” says Damon Bradley, divorced 13 times.

Meanwhile, lawyers across the nation are preparing themselves to capitalize on this trend as well. In only a few hours after passage of the bill, many have released television advertisements and are beginning to give young interns special training for this field of work. Marvin Sanford, for example, wants his firm to be the gold standard for high profile gay divorces.

“I want all the rich and famous gays out there to know that I support their right to destroy their relationship through complicated and unreasonably expensive divorce proceedings. If you are gay, want a divorce, and are ready to pay, my firm wants to represent you!”

Sanford hopes that DOMA will set a precedent for other new avenues of profiting off of complicated relationships as well.

“No offense to the gays, but if I could profit off of the divorce of cats or clay figurines I would be all over that too. It should be the right, nay, the duty for everyone and everything to take a good look at their relationship and determine it’s time to separate. And I’ll be here when they’re ready.”

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect any factual reporting.
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Jonah Lustig Posted by on June 26, 2013. Filed under Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

 

 

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