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Opinion: Anyone Doing Anything Tonight?
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by Barack Obama

What up my fellow Americans? I’m just hanging out here in the oval office, shooting the breeze, and I thought I would write you guys to see what’s happening in DC tonight. Anyone around? Want to do something fun?

  
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Work has just been so slow lately that it’s really starting to affect me. I mean, usually when things aren’t busy I can kill time easily by browsing Facebook, playing games on my phone, or messing with the White House cooks by ordering ridiculous made up meals like ‘raspberry pizza’ and ‘thrice-baked Kansas bread’. You should have seen the head cook’s face when I ordered that last one!

But this week has just been so dull that I’m running out of ideas. For example, earlier this morning I sat in my office and stared at the wall for two hours. Two hours! I may have blinked twice during the entire time. There’s just nothing to do around here!

So I just wanted to hit you guys up to see if there’s anything fun going on around town. Anyone know of any good concerts tonight? Or maybe some cool dance clubs to go to?

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[MORE JOKES: Man Sees Wolf Blitzer Every Day]

Honestly I’m down for anything. We could knock down some brews at Dave & Buster’s, throw rocks off of Memorial Bridge…whatever sounds fun.



Oh wait…I got it. I know exactly what we should do: drunk bowling! Haha, yeah! I haven’t done that in years. Maybe since college. I would be so down for that. We can get completely hammered and go nuts at the alley.

And you know what? I have a bowling alley right in my basement! Let’s just do it down there! Then we don’t have to worry about driving or anything. Perfect.

Ok yeah, let’s just call it an open house and everyone’s invited. I’ll have security lay low for the night so we don’t kill any of the chill vibes.

Why don’t you guys come over around 10 and we can get things going? Drinking games with the White House gardening staff? Always a good time. And I know Biden’s game.

Just do me a favor no photos ok? My job is like ridiculous about finding stuff about me on social media so if we could keep this party on the down low that would be best for me. And the nation.

Oh dang…I just got a work email. Ugh, looks like there might be a war between the US and Russia. Of course this happens on bowling night! It looks like I’ll have to reschedule…I should be free tomorrow so I’ll let you guys know. Peace out for now.

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the opinions of the President of the United States.



 

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