Amid complaints about the new Healthcare.gov website performance problems, Angela Leonard, a spokesperson from the government’s IT team, met with press and expressed her hopes that Americans remain patient while bugs are worked out.
“We want to assure the public that we have our top people on this. We are internet specialists and the industry’s leading experts on blogs, Googles, links, you know, like, internet stuff,” she said to the media this afternoon.
Leonard said that staff is currently working on how to search for a word in a web page, and once they figure that out they are confident they will be able to fix the rest of the issues right away.
“These types of problems are complex, but we hope the American people will be patient. In the meantime, if anyone knows why when I type in words in the bar thing on the top it takes me to Bing I would really appreciate it.”
But information released by an anonymous hacker reveals that there are more problems than the spokeswoman led on. The hacker was able to access Google search histories for Healthcare.gov employees, which include queries such as ‘How to fix a broken website’ and ‘Help how do I fix the healthcare website?’
Donald Barnes, a lawyer from Arbor, Wyoming, says the problems have prevented him from receiving urgent medical care.
“I need a lung transplant pretty soon. Preferably, right now. I’m sure the people working on these issues are the best in their field but in the meantime I have to [hacking and wheezing noises]!”
As Republicans continue to condemn the website and program, Obama will have to hope his IT team is up for the challenge. In the meantime, the rest of the leaked search queries can be found below.
Healthcare.gov Employee Google Searches:
‘Making healthcare website for beginners’
‘How does healthcare work?’
‘How to fix a broken website’
‘Internet not working’
‘What is HTML’
‘How to speak HTML’
‘Where to find ‘tab’ on keyboard’
‘Help how do I fix the healthcare website’
‘How to write new things on an old web page’
‘How to have people sign up for your website’
‘Obama phone number’
‘Obama phone number REAL’
‘Biden phone number’
‘How to make your website blue’
‘How to put people on the internet’
‘Which button turns the computer off’
‘How does the internet work’
‘How does the internet work for beginner to understand’
‘How does the internet work for baby to understand’
‘Help I think there is a virus’
‘How to sign up for healthcare online without a website?’
‘What does ‘num lock’ button do?’
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting