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Michael Sam Confounds Nation by Admitting He Used to be Straight
Michael Sam, the first openly gay player expected to be drafted in the NFL, shocked reporters and fans in a press conference this morning when he admitted he has only been gay for the last few years, and was strictly heterosexual before that.
“Oh yeah, I used to be straight as you could possibly be,” he said following a workout at his home in Columbia, Missouri.
“There was nothing I loved more that making love to a sweet, beautiful woman. But those days are long gone. I’ve changed…for the better.”
While Sam had previously been heralded as a champion of civil rights for being open about his homosexuality in the past, rights advocates across the United States are responding in outrage and confusion to the player’s latest comments.
“Are you @#$%#@% kidding me?!’ said Stephen Portnoy, a gay banker who resides in Oakland, California.
“We’re finally making progress on the issues of gays in sports and now this jackass is going to say he used to be straight, and chose to be gay? This is absolutely ridiculous,” he said.
But Sam says his ‘decision’ to ‘become straight’ was a personal one, and that others do not understand his struggle.
“It was something that I had always wanted to do, so one day I woke up and decided today would be the day I turn gay forever. And I haven’t looked back since,” he said.
“Some people may say it was wrong for me to become gay, and I have had both straight and gay folks tell me what I am saying is wrong. But it is never easy to stand by the truth when others doubt you.”
Sam’s father, Michael Sr., told JD Journal this most recent news has piled onto a roller coaster of an offseason for the prospect and his family.
“When Michael told me he was gay I was stunned, and to be honest I was disappointed. I thought it was an evil lifestyle choice, but others showed me that it was a part of who he is, something outside of his control.”
“But now that he says it was a decision I am pissed off again. I may be an insensitive bigot but even I know it’s not supposed to work like that.”
Sam, however, says his father is misinformed. But he acknowledges the confusion he is causing may be problematic.
“Maybe I should just go back to being straight,” he said.
“It would probably make everything easier. Damn shame though, I was really enjoying it.”
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reportingMichael Sam Confounds Nation by Admitting He Used to be Straight by Jonah Lustig