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BREAKING: You Read Headline
According to various sources, you just read the headline to this article and are now continuing to read through the introduction of the piece. This is a developing story that is occurring in real time.
“I am now reading a quote,” you thought to yourself, as you read the quote and this supplemental explanation aloud in your head.
“Now I am reading the second quote,” you thought next, evidently at the author’s whim to think whatever he writes down on the page.
Sources are reporting that this confrontation of fact began when you saw the link to the article and were curious enough to click on it. While it remains unclear why exactly you made that decision, the fact that you are reading this sentence confirms that you clicked nonetheless.
Adding to the intrigue is the notion that despite all indications that this article is completely devoid of any real substance, you continue to read on.
“I am completely wasting my time,” you read, yet still for some reason decide to trudge forward.
The author of this piece, who wishes to remain anonymous, noted that he thought you would give up by the third paragraph or so. He is surprised that you are really following his every word, paying attention to the rambling nonsense and helplessly reading whatever quote he decides to throw at you.
“I am a spineless human being, confirmed by my willingness to have these words broadcast within my brain,” you thought to yourself, noting the self-deprecation within the language only in time to watch yourself sound like a damn fool.
“Oh well,” you thought because the author had you read those words.
While at this point there is no timetable for when you will finish with this article and move on with your life, some sources suggest that since you are still with the author at this point you may very well stick it out to the end.
Others have raised the intriguing suggestion that you are not, in fact, still reading, and that these words are in fact being read by absolutely no one. Supporting this claim are average site visitor statistics. Such an idea suggests that these words do not exist so long as there is no one to perceive them and give them meaning.
But perhaps out of desperation, the author prefers to think you are still here, clinging to his every word until the very end. Because if no one is reading this, he will likely be out of a job soon.
Note: This article is satirical but does reflect factual reporting.BREAKING: You Read Headline by Jonah Lustig