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LEAKED: ‘Superman vs. Batman’ Film to Feature Heroes Having Sex with Each Other for 90 Minutes
CAUTION: SPOILERS FOLLOW
Secret details from the script of the new DC film ‘Batman vs. Superman’ were leaked online yesterday, and of the most scandalous plot revelations is that the majority of the film will be comprised of Batman and Superman having sex with each other on screen for the entire duration of the movie. Leaders of the film’s production crew have acknowledged that the leaked documents are accurate, and defended the film in a recent press conference.
“After many hours of meticulous and complex market research, we determined what fans of comic books unconsciously wish to see most: their favorite heroes having raunchy, uncensored sex in multiple positions for extended periods of time,” says Executive Producer Martin Lowry.
“The data is undeniable, and we wish to cater our viewers’ most intimate and suppressed desires.”
Zach Snyder, director of the upcoming release, believes that while some fans may find the narrative structure unconventional, the plot will sure to please the most dedicated fans in the long run.
“Some may find our methods a little unorthodox, and may be resistant to the film at first. But we are confident that the DC comic universe has been building to this type of action for many years now. And we are certain that by the film’s end the most passionate Superman and Batman fans will rejoice in a cathartic release of years of homoerotic tension.”
The response from fans around the world has been varied. Some have said they appreciate the studio’s efforts to add a new twist to the comic book movie genre, while others have expressed outrage over their perceived image in the studio’s eye. Ron Donaldson, a movie blogger, falls into the latter category:
“As a straight man who loves comic books, I am insulted by the idea that I would want to see my favorite male heroes having sex with each other. I will probably only see this movie 3 or 4 times in theaters as a consequence of this horrendous decision-making on the studio’s part. I will probably buy the DVD too.”
Many gay comic book fans have lauded the studio’s initiative to be open-minded about the sexuality of the two heroes, but Lowry cautions them that the film is not intend to comment on civil rights issues.
“We made this decision on market research alone. We determined that there is an overwhelming number of gay and straight men and women who desire to see Batman and Superman having a hot and sweaty Supersex session,” he noted in the press conference.
“If that is what the people want, then that is what we are going to give them.”
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting