by Barack Obama

What up my fellow Americans? I’m just hanging out here in the oval office, shooting the breeze, and I thought I would write you guys to see what’s happening in DC tonight. Anyone around? Want to do something fun?

Work has just been so slow lately that it’s really starting to affect me. I mean, usually when things aren’t busy I can kill time easily by browsing Facebook, playing games on my phone, or messing with the White House cooks by ordering ridiculous made up meals like ‘raspberry pizza’ and ‘thrice-baked Kansas bread’. You should have seen the head cook’s face when I ordered that last one!

But this week has just been so dull that I’m running out of ideas. For example, earlier this morning I sat in my office and stared at the wall for two hours. Two hours! I may have blinked twice during the entire time. There’s just nothing to do around here!

So I just wanted to hit you guys up to see if there’s anything fun going on around town. Anyone know of any good concerts tonight? Or maybe some cool dance clubs to go to?

Honestly I’m down for anything. We could knock down some brews at Dave & Buster’s, throw rocks off of Memorial Bridge…whatever sounds fun.

Oh wait…I got it. I know exactly what we should do: drunk bowling! Haha, yeah! I haven’t done that in years. Maybe since college. I would be so down for that. We can get completely hammered and go nuts at the alley.

And you know what? I have a bowling alley right in my basement! Let’s just do it down there! Then we don’t have to worry about driving or anything. Perfect.

Ok yeah, let’s just call it an open house and everyone’s invited. I’ll have security lay low for the night so we don’t kill any of the chill vibes.

Why don’t you guys come over around 10 and we can get things going? Drinking games with the White House gardening staff? Always a good time. And I know Biden’s game.

Just do me a favor no photos ok? My job is like ridiculous about finding stuff about me on social media so if we could keep this party on the down low that would be best for me. And the nation.

Oh dang…I just got a work email. Ugh, looks like there might be a war between the US and Russia. Of course this happens on bowling night! It looks like I’ll have to reschedule…I should be free tomorrow so I’ll let you guys know. Peace out for now.

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the opinions of the President of the United States.

The post Opinion: Anyone Doing Anything Tonight? first appeared on JDJournal Blog.

According to his family, coworkers, and his own admission, Jim Mcintyre, a contractor and resident of Staten Island, New York, sees Wolf Blitzer every single day of his life.

“I like to watch CNN to keep up on the news. I’ll usually have the Situation Room on when I get home from work, or in the background during the weekend”, said the man who has not gone a single day since 2006 without seeing the bearded visage of CNN’s veteran news anchor.

“I really trust him to tell me what I need to know”, added the man who has spent more cumulative time looking at Wolf Blitzer’s face than those of his wife and children combined.

Mcintyre says he first saw Wolf in the 1990s, when he worked as the White House correspondent for CNN. He says back then, his relationship with Wolf was not quite as routine.

“Back then I would only see him a few times a week. It was light and fun in the old days…nothing too serious at all,” said McIntyre in an exclusive interview with JDJournal.

“But once he got the gig on the Situation Room, things really got taken up to another level. At first I wasn’t sure I would be ready to see him so much, but it’s been over a decade and things are going really well,” he said.

Ira, McIntyre’s wife, says she used to see Wolf as a threat to their relationship, but has since come to appreciate his presence.

“At first, I was definitely concerned about all the time my husband was spending with Wolf Blitzer. I saw him as trying to destroy our happiness,” she admitted.

“But with him around all the time I have to admit Wolf has really grown on me. Now we can be with Wolf together… and those times are out of sight.”

JDJournal reached out to Wolf Blitzer for comment, but received no response. His publicist, however, sent the following email to us:

Wolf Blitzer appreciates the support of his fans across the globe. He knows that without them, he could not be where he is today. Wolf is especially appreciative to Jim McIntyre of Staten Island, whom he knows watches him every day. Wolf wants to say that he appreciates Jim’s dedication, and that Jim makes him feel beautiful. Wolf loves you, Jim.

(Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting).

The post Man Sees Wolf Blitzer Every Day first appeared on JDJournal Blog.

Today, a study released from Western University of Easton contends that the battle to combat climate change is not worth fighting as it is too late already to save the earth from certain destruction and we are all going to die in a fiery hell.

“This study was an update from the survey we completed in 2009 on emissions and the state of the environment. Back then, we cautioned that if the people of the world did not take extreme, immediate steps to resolve the crisis, we would not be able to survive it,” said Dr. Leeland Smith, the lead investigator of the most recent study.

“This new study confirmed the results of the previous one…since we didn’t take action we are all going to die. So…yikes,” he added.

While previous studies by Dr. Smith and his colleagues contained suggested steps to resolve the crisis, this 2014 update contains only a crudely drawn picture of the earth in flames with skulls and red ‘X’s surrounding it.

Dr. Owen Wayans, who also participated in the study, said the results are validation that everyone was wrong and he was right.

“Ya’ll laughed at me. I was telling you jerks back in 1980 that we were screwed if we didn’t act fast. Instead, you did just the opposite. So now I will laugh at  you as we all head to our certain doom at the hands of the poison we’ve released into the atmosphere,” he said maniacally.

“Hahahahaha!” he added.

World leaders have responded to the new study with a mixture of skepticism, doubt, and just a hint of genuine concern. Following the release of the study, President Barack Obama took the podium to quell the concerns of citizens.

“We as a nation are working hard to combat climate change, and are taking the necessary steps to resolve this issue in a timely and appropriate manner,” he said with a spark of fear present in the back of his eyes.

“I read the entire report, and I…oh geez…uh…I know we will beat this thing,” he said with noticeable resignation in his voice.

Vladimir Putin responded to the claims of the study in a press conference of his own.

“Yes, this seems about right. When I rule the world, this will definitely be near the top of my agenda,” he said.

While world leaders scramble to find solutions to the daunting problem, Wayans says they are just wasting their precious last moments on earth.

“It’s over. Humanity is still arguing about whether or not this thing exists, but we can’t even stop it anymore. Now is the time to sit back, pour yourself a drink, and hug your loved ones as the earth is consumed by poisonous flames,” he said.

“It’s gonna be one heck of a ride.”

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.

The post STUDY: It is too Late to Stop Global Warming, We Should Just Give in to Our Certain Doom first appeared on JDJournal Blog.

Officials from the Australian search team for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 convened today to announce that while the search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 remains elusive, authorities did recover a functional and stylish screen door in the ocean today.

“We regret to inform the public that the objects floating in the ocean were not debris from the missing Air Malaysia plane, but in fact a screen door and a bag of Doritos” said Captain Hugo Wallace of the Australian Air Force.

“That said, we are happy to announce that the screen door was in excellent condition. While the Doritos were soggy by the time we rescued them, the door is in fantastic condition and could be retrofitted to many modern homes,” he said.

Lieutenant Lee Owns of the Australia National Guard says that today’s findings give his team hope that their long hours of searching are yielding results, even if they are not the results they were hoping for.

“It’s nice to know our search hasn’t been completely fruitless. Sure, we haven’t found what we were looking for. But it’s a fine screen door. A damn fine door,” he said.

“The paint has hardly chipped, and there is only a small hole in the screen. It’s pretty amazing when you think this thing has been floating in the middle of the ocean for who knows how long.”

Australian officials say they do not know yet what they will do with the door, but this stands in contrast to a statement from the Malaysian government in which they stated their claim to ownership of the door.

“Because the door was found in the search area of MF 370, we believe it fell from the airplane and thus is property of the country of Malaysia,” the statement read.

“We refute any claim of ownership of the door from the Australians or any other country imposing on our search. As much as we are sure they would love to keep the door, we are confident it will be returned to its proper home in Malaysia.”

[MORE JOKES: Dogs of New York React to Jets Signing Michael Vick

While the door’s nationality is yet to be determined, that hasn’t stopped activists and passive observers from posting poorly-formed opinions on social media.

“THE FAMILIES OF TEH VICTIMS DESRVE TO KEEP THE SCREEN DOOR”, said @jamelwilliams234 on Twitter.

“IF I WERE OJN FLIGHT 370 I WOULD WANT MY FAMILY TO GET TO KEEP THE DOOR”, he added.

Dr. Reginald Cornelius Young, Professor of Door and Window Studies at the University of Toll Brothers (Altoona Campus), says determining the nationality of the door will be a difficult process.

“To determine where the door came from would take a series of advanced color and material testing,” he said.

“Unless it just says where the door came from on it. Most doors do have that…so…yeah that would be a good first option.”

But officials from both the Australian and Malaysian search teams seem reluctant to give up control of the door. Both have announced they will call off their search for MF 370 until the issue is resolved.

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.

The post BREAKING: Object Floating in Indian Ocean is Not Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 but is a Pretty Nice Screen Door first appeared on JDJournal Blog.

The New York Jets have just announced the signing of Michael Vick to be their new starting quarterback, and while humans across the city are excited for the team’s prospects, the many dogs who reside in the Big Apple have vocalized their own opinions on the signing of the controversial star player.

“Bark! Bark bark! Ruff, rrrrrrrrr, ruff!,” said Hal, a Scottish Terrier who lives on the West Side with an Italian couple and a struggling stand up comedian.

“Arf arf! [Panting noises] ruff!” he said.

Hal’s aggressive tone comes as no surprise, considering Vick’s off-the-field issues. In 2007, Vick was found guilty of funding and maintaining a dogfighting ring in one of his homes. Though he has apologized for his actions since, and worked to promote animal safety in the United States, some have not forgiven him for his past crimes.

In polls among dogs across the United States, results could not be analyzed as no one knew what the dogs were saying.

While dogs like Hal have had loud words to say about the new addition, others have had more muted responses. Mincy, a stray doberman who resides in the Bronx, had softer vocalizations when discussing her opinion on the new Jets quarterback.

“[Whine]. [Whine]. [Wags tail],” she said in an exclusive interview with JD Journal.

“[Whine],” she added.

Mincy’s words speak volumes about the state of dogs and the NFL. But humans who work within the NFL say the opinions of this species will have little impact on the game of football. Al Jenkins, who works as a ticket handler at Metlife Stadium (home stadium of the Jets), says dogs do not make up a big enough part of the NFL consumer market to influence team decision-making.

“We don’t get many dogs buying tickets to NFL games. Maybe a few. But not much”, he said in a phone conversation with JD Journal.

“So while they may be upset, or they may not be, because I don’t understand what they’re saying, they really do not have much leverage with the Jets front office,” he said.

Rex Ryan, head coach of the Jets, addressed the dogs of New York to placate their concerns and validate the signing of the new star player.

“Bark bark bark ruff ruff awooooooooooo!” he said.

It remains to be seen whether dogs who are Jets fans will find his words comforting.

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.

The post Dogs of New York React to Jets Signing Michael Vick first appeared on JDJournal Blog.

 

A recent study from the astronomy lab at the University of Arizona has the physics world up in arms as it describes a complex phenomenon that neither I, the author of this piece, nor you, the reader, will ever be able to understand in our lifetimes.

“This revelation changes the way we will understand physics forever,” said the study’s lead investigator Dr. Morton Ballings of the complex equations that make no sense at all to someone who lacks an advanced knowledge of physics.

“This changes everything,” he said.

Ballings says that the new study undermines the ‘Subatomic Effort of Force Principle’, a notion which I could attempt to put in layman’s terms but to be frank would be a pathetic effort to condense incredibly difficult mathematics into a watered down note that anyone with a brain and two hands could fit into a Tweet.

According to the study, physicists spent years collecting data, which they forwarded to me in an Excel sheet. The file is 2,000 pages long and I have no idea what any of the numbers mean. I could tell you what those numbers are, but I have serious doubts you would know what they mean either.

While the physicists involved in the study believe it will change the study of physics forever, others in the field are more skeptical that the results are significant.

“This study, while interesting, is incomplete. It does not address the Planck Conversion of Energy analysis which might overimpose a light-dense entropy, which would in turn invigorate an instantaneous node. Or several nodes.” said Dr. Melvin Orange of Washington State University, or maybe he said something else because it all sounded like gibberish.

“In effect the ionization of the subatomic particles creates an isolated energy field which could theoretically bias the study results,” he may have said.

Dr. Ingrid Michael, who also participated in the study, says that the results show an effect that could be likened to a balloon popping in a vacuum.

“Imagine a balloon. Except, instead of a balloon, imagine 6 dimensions of a hyperfield acting as a nearly massless body within an ergotype,” she said.

“Now if you were to ‘pop’ that ‘balloon’, our study found that the effort force of transitional light nodules realigns the ionization scheme to produce intrastellular energy.”

The study authors say they want everyone to be able to see the incredible results of their experiment, so unlike many academic studies, the full analysis will be posted for free online. They encourage readers to comment on the article and provide feedback on how this discovery can be used in the field.

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.

The post Study: Some Physics Thing Neither the Author of this Article nor the Reader Will Ever Truly Understand first appeared on JDJournal Blog.

by Al Jensen, Minnesota Timberwolves superfan

Dang. I’m not sure I can do this today. I love the Timberwolves, and always want to voice my support for the team when I come to watch the games. But there may be just a little too much on my mind for this right now.

I hope I remembered to fill the meter. I think the sign said free parking after 8…but now that I think about it that doesn’t make much sense for stadium parking. It should be a flat rate, right? I don’t know what I was thinking when I pulled in.

Oh, a goal. Alright, go Wolves!

Geez, the last thing I need right now is another parking ticket. They are starting to pile up…and I don’t even know if I can pay rent this month. What’s today…the 12th? That gives me a little over two weeks to come up with the money. Two weeks…if I can pull in 600 dollars a week until then I think I should be ok…

YOU SUCK LEBRON! YOU GOT NOTHING IN THE T-WOLVES HOUSE!!!

…sigh. I don’t know. These season tickets may have been a huge mistake. At the time it felt like such a great decision. But that was when I was getting all of those shifts at Arby’s. But since Reggie took over as manager I’ve been getting less and less every week. It’s very concerning.

I hope Reggie isn’t going to fire me. I know he hasn’t really liked me since I accidentally spilled coffee all over his daughter when he brought her in for Bring Your Child to Work Day. Surely he knows that was an accident…I know the burns caused permanent damage but I really don’t think it was entirely my fault…

Oh…DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!

…I should stop drinking coffee. It makes me too anxious. My heart races and I think I’m going to have a heart attack. Especially if I’m working and it’s especially stressful. I really need to take care of my body and stop eating so much junk food too.

Actually I’m getting kind of hungry. Dammit, I forgot my granola bar at home! Ugh, so typical. My memory seems like it’s getting worse and worse every day. I wonder if it’s an early sign of dementia.

What?! How is that a foul?! Are these refs even watching the game?!

…shit. I’m getting old. I’m getting too old for this. I want to be 19 again. Everything was great when I was a teenager. I had my whole life ahead of me. I never thought 20 years later I would be kissing Reggie’s ass to get more night shifts at Arby’s.

Oh…is the game over? We won? I didn’t even notice…

…woohoo.

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the thoughts of an actual Minnesota Timberwolves fan (as far as the author knows).

The post Opinion: There Might Just be Too Much on my Mind Right Now to Really Focus on this Basketball Game first appeared on JDJournal Blog.

Michael Sam, the first openly gay player expected to be drafted in the NFL, shocked reporters and fans in a press conference this morning when he admitted he has only been gay for the last few years, and was strictly heterosexual before that.

“Oh yeah, I used to be straight as you could possibly be,” he said following a workout at his home in Columbia, Missouri.

“There was nothing I loved more that making love to a sweet, beautiful woman. But those days are long gone. I’ve changed…for the better.”

While Sam had previously been heralded as a champion of civil rights for being open about his homosexuality in the past, rights advocates across the United States are responding in outrage and confusion to the player’s latest comments.

“Are you @#$%#@% kidding me?!’ said Stephen Portnoy, a gay banker who resides in Oakland, California.

“We’re finally making progress on the issues of gays in sports and now this jackass is going to say he used to be straight, and chose to be gay? This is absolutely ridiculous,” he said.

[MORE JOKES- Redskins Agree to Change Team Name to ‘Washington Bumbling Chinamen’]

But Sam says his ‘decision’ to ‘become straight’ was a personal one, and that others do not understand his struggle.

“It was something that I had always wanted to do, so one day I woke up and decided today would be the day I turn gay forever. And I haven’t looked back since,” he said.

“Some people may say it was wrong for me to become gay, and I have had both straight and gay folks tell me what I am saying is wrong. But it is never easy to stand by the truth when others doubt you.”

Sam’s father, Michael Sr., told JD Journal this most recent news has piled onto a roller coaster of an offseason for the prospect and his family.

“When Michael told me he was gay I was stunned, and to be honest I was disappointed. I thought it was an evil lifestyle choice, but others showed me that it was a part of who he is, something outside of his control.”

“But now that he says it was a decision I am pissed off again. I may be an insensitive bigot but even I know it’s not supposed to work like that.”

Sam, however, says his father is misinformed. But he acknowledges the confusion he is causing may be problematic.

“Maybe I should just go back to being straight,” he said.

“It would probably make everything easier. Damn shame though, I was really enjoying it.”

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting

The post Michael Sam Confounds Nation by Admitting He Used to be Straight first appeared on JDJournal Blog.

Now that the 2014 Oscars have come and gone, we here at JD Journal are already looking ahead to next year as we honestly have nothing better to do in the meantime. Here is our list of films that we think will be featured at next year’s award show, along with our predictions for what category they will be nominated in.

Mandela 2: What Happened in Purgatory

This whimsical tale was written and directed by Mel Gibson, who bought the rights to the franchise in 2013. The film picks up at Mandela’s death, and begins with his surprise revelation that he has not done enough good to enter the kingdom of Christ (played by Gibson). In a series of visits with great leaders in history, Christ shows Mandela how racism is not always bad and there is a time and a place for hatred and violence.

Nomination Predictions: Best Original Score. Best Visual Effects

Sally Visits the Brooklyn Zoo

This emotional drama from Ridley Scott features newcomer Samantha Barton as seven-year-old Sally Hawkins, a middle class white girl who visits the zoo. There she learns about tigers, lions, different types of birds, and other animals.

Nomination Predictions: Best Original Screenplay

Tyler Perry’s Death of Madea

Perry’s latest is expected to be a riveting drama to conclude the Madea series. The academy will likely acknowledge the commercially successful franchise with an Oscar nod.

Nomination Prediction: Best Picture, Best Director

When Imagination Dies: The Year Disney/Pixar Couldn’t Come Up with Anything at All

This hard hitting documentary focuses around the struggles of creative personnel at Disney/Pixar to come up with anything, anything at all, to make an animated feature about in 2014. It starts with animators expressing confidence that after 2013’s Frozen they can pull some angle out of their ass like a cat who joins the military. The following revelation that the same plot was used in the 1947 blockbuster ‘Lily Marches On’ and the struggle to develop a new idea are the focus of the film.

Nomination Predictions: Best Feature Documentary

Jason Statham Staring Intensely at a Bowl of Fruit

This thriller is the Hollywood debut for director Nashi Yokomata, known in Japan for his innovative style of creating action movies built entirely on tension. His most recent film, ‘Man in Hall of Mirrors Slowly Raising Eyebrow’ was revered by critics around the world.

Nomination Predictions: Best Picture, Best Sound Editing, Best Supporting Actor (The Pear)

Charlie Sheen’s Real Life

Sheen’s real life is the tale of a Hollywood star with personal demons whose addictions and aggressive tendencies threaten to derail his roller coaster career. Several years after being ousted from a hit television series, Sheen finds himself on a path of indulgence and self-destruction…but can he straighten out in time to save himself, or will he suffer the fate of overdose that so many other of his fellow actors have succumbed to?

Nomination Predictions: Best Costume Design, Best Adapted Screenplay

The post Looking Ahead to the 2015 Oscar Contenders first appeared on JDJournal Blog.

A dramatic video posted online earlier this week has captivated public interest, as it depicts alleged abuses of the criminal justice system. The video shows a police officer using a taser on a 6-year-old boy who was trying to help his mother escape arrest on drug charges.

You should probably just watch it, though, rather than read a description of it, if we’re going to be completely honest.

The video has already received over 7,000,000 views, which we acknowledge is a hell of a lot more than the 39 this article has had so far. But we don’t have permission to show you the clip so we can only give you a less than perfect account of what happens.

That’s why it might make more sense for you to just stop reading, Google the video, and watch it on the site that is hosting it. Doesn’t that make more sense? Just throwing that out there.

The video, which was taken by a neighbor on a cell phone, begins with police knocking on the door of Tamara Williams, a housewife from Santa Barbara, California. Viewers can hear her inside the house yelling to her son to help her escape them.

We should say, though, we can’t really capture the drama of this scene in words. Only the imagery of the original video, which is available for free online but not on this webpage, can truly depict the powerful moments that have captured the nation’s empathy.

In the second part of the video, which begins at 1:26 if you’d rather just go to the page, scroll to the time, and watch it, viewers can see Tamara’s son trying to help her escape from the window. Police approach them and tell the child to stop, and when he refuses they use their taser on him.

If this sounds unbelievable to you, well, don’t take our word for it. Just watch it. We’re not allowed to publish a link but let’s just say it’s available on a website that rhymes with ShmoxNews.com. Should be pretty obvious…it’s not BoxNews…get it? Yeah?

Reaction to the video so far has been mixed. We could tell you about it, or you could just look at the comments below the video on the site where it being hosted. That way you wouldn’t have to trust us to present the feedback in a fair and balanced way. You could just see for yourself. You could watch the video and form your own opinion about it too.

Though, now that we’ve spoiled the entire thing for you, there may not really be a reason to at this point.

Note: This article is satirical and the video we’re describing doesn’t exist. As far as we know.

The post Viral Video Making Waves – But You Should Just Watch It Instead of Listening to Us Describe It first appeared on JDJournal Blog.