By Billy Ray Cyrus
I’m sorry…I’m sorry Miley….I’m sorry everyone. I can’t put up with this charade any longer. I’ve tried to support my daughter through this…tumultuous… period of her career, but I just cannot pretend I am ok with this anymore.
It is just sick, people, and it’s tearing me up on the inside.
I mean, honestly. No father should have to put up with what I do on a daily basis. I understand my child could have been a murderer, a prostitute, or some sort of terrorist. And the parents of those kids, yes, they have it pretty bad.
But I just don’t think those situations can compare to the psychological torture I endure every time my daughter takes the stage. Or writes a new song. Or does anything, at all.
I mean, did you see that VMA performance? The one with the foam finger? I mean, Jesus Christ. That’s my daughter up there. Jesus. Jesus Christ.
And just recently, she did this music video with Madonna…oh God what torture. The sex idol from my time period grinding and groping my daughter…oh it’s just so messed up….I cried for hours after that one.
I just think the human animal was not made to endure the sort of experiences I have on a daily basis. I’m a wreck, forced to wade through disgusting images and terrible, shameful thoughts that I can’t escape from despite how hard I try.
Maybe I deserve it. Maybe this is what I get for selling my daughter’s soul to Disney at such a young age. Perhaps this is what I get for profiting enormously off of exposing her to the world.
Sometimes I think my life is like an Ancient Greek tragedy. Perhaps in the future, poets will tell my tale of misfortune. I can picture it now:
‘Come one, come all! Come hear the tale of Billy Ray, the one-hit-wonder, whose daughter would take the nation by storm. The man who would live through his daughter’s success, only to find her become twisted by the industry into a depraved sexual lunatic.’
I mean, the thing practically writes itself!
Well, I have to run. It looks like Miley is ready to rehearse for her new music video. It’s…she’s….well I’ll just say this, I don’t think I will ever be able to look at an ice cream truck the same way again.
And wait..are those…tree people? Oh, god dammit! Now I can’t enjoy trees anymore?! Shit! God dammit! God dammit I can’t do this anymore!!!!
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the opinions of any real person.