How Politicians are Spending the Shutdown

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As the government shutdown continues without an end in sight, here’s how some members of congress and the senate are spending their self-imposed vacation:

John Boozman – R – Arkansas
Finishing his screenplay about a politician who wants to be a screenwriter but never has time to finish his screenplay

  

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Chris Coons – D – Delaware
Build-a-Bear Workshopping

Brian Schatz – D – Hawaii
Deleting emails

Joe Pitts – R- Pennsylvania
Visiting his wives and kids

Tim Ryan – D – Ohio
Playing ‘Bar Patron #6’ in a local theater production of Mary Poppins 2: Algeria, Ho!

Susan Collins – R – Maine
Building a birdhouse made out of old toothpicks

Patrick Murphy – D – Florida
Exploring his dog’s sexuality

Keith Ellison – D – Minnesota
Learning how to pronounce ‘furlough’

John Tester – D – Montana
Getting his tonsils out

Jeffrey Chiese – R – New Jersey
Pacing in circles because he can’t access his work email from home and IT has been furloughed

Jim Inhofe – R – Oklahoma
Watching the dogs while his wife is at work

Mo Brooks – R – Alabama
Experimenting with psychedelic drugs

Paul Tonko – D – New York
Having some good-old fashioned fun

Raul Labrador – R – Idaho
Doing the six things there are to do in Idaho

Suzan DelBene – D – Washington
Sitting on her front porch, smoking cigars, and yelling sexual comments at the men who walk by

Tim Scott – R – South Carolina
Playing Solitaire on his blackberry

Michael Enyart – D – Illinois
Playing hide-and-seek with his kids’ friends

John Boehner – R – Ohio
Looking for work

Mike Lee – R – Utah
Working, completely unaware that the shutdown is taking place because he was in the bathroom when it was announced

Patty Murray – D – Washington
Deshelling oysters

Beto O’Rourke – D – Texas
Rewatching China Beach on Netflix

Lamar Alexander – R – Tennessee
Working on fixing the debt crisis and reopening the government

Sheldon Whitehouse – D – Rhode Island
Undoing everything Lamar Alexander is working on so he can get more time off

Rick Nolan – D – Minnesota
Getting coffee with his ex-girlfriend he hasn’t seen in 10 years and pretending he is not still in love with her

Joyce Beatty – D – Ohio
Building tiny microwaves for ants, because if she won’t who will?

John Hoeven – R – North Dakota
Making a workout schedule and music playlist for his new initiative to go to the gym every other day

Kirsten Gillibrand – D – New York
Spitting mostly

Jon Tester – D – Montana
Giving himself a thumbs up while standing in front of a mirror with his shirt off

Billy Long – R – Missouri
Tracing his genealogy, which will lead to an extended sailing adventure through the South Pacific

Angus King – I – Maine
Being satisfied with his decision to not join either party

David Vitter – R – Louisiana
Rediscovering his passion for shoe-cobbling

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting