Opinion: Would Anyone Like Some Information about my Newborn Child?
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by Halle Berry

I don’t know if you guys have heard, but I just gave birth to my second child. I am so excited, and I just want to share the love and pride I am feeling with anyone and everyone who is willing to listen. So, is there anyone out there who wants some information about the birth of my child?


I guess I am just curious if there is anyone who would like to meet my new child, or at least hear about what he’s like. Are there people out there who would want a picture of him, or maybe a video with us together?? Just in case there are, I want to extend an open invitation to the public to come over to the hospital and visit with me and my child. I’m staying at Beverly Hills General Hospital on Lakeview Boulevard, and can be found in room 330. Come by whenever!

If you want, you can even pick up my newborn child. It’s fine, go ahead! Just be careful please. I was thinking maybe anyone who wants to hold my baby could form a line outside of the hospital, and I will call you in one at a time. Does that sound reasonable?

Also, if anyone is curious, I could tell you about some of my sexual exploits and reveal a controversy surrounding who is the biological father of this a child. Would you guys want to hear about that? I don’t want to bore anyone so just tell me if that sounds like something you would want to hear.

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In fact, now that I think about it, there’s a few other things about my private personal life that I could give you information about. Just off the top of my head I can think of three or four dark and disturbing secrets that could potentially ruin my career, and definitely make a tabloid magazine millions of dollars for the exclusive. Does that sound like something anyone would want?

No? No interest at all? Ok, I guess I’ll have to just love my child privately and keep my horrible secrets to myself. What a shame, I really thought people might be interested in this kind of stuff. How disappointing. You leave me no option; I will have to keep this wonderful and highly personal moment to myself. I guess that’s how these types of situations are supposed to work anyway, huh?

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the opinions of real people.



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