Each week, our team of NFL analysts will offer insight and analysis of the top NFL games of the weekend:
New Orleans 26, Chicago 18
In an exclusive interview with JD Journal, Saints coach Sean Payton revealed that his offensive playbook is an allegory for the late 19th century industrialization of the American Midwest. Chicago defensive coordinator Mel Tucker said that he interpreted the offense as a modern retelling of the Korean War.
Denver 51, Dallas 48
Peyton Manning had his worst game of the season, throwing for only 4 touchdowns and an interception. Broncos coach John Fox said following the game Peyton performed his usual post-game ritual in which he hits himself in the face and yells to a mirror that he isn’t perfect enough to make to daddy love him.
Green Bay 22, Detroit 9
The Packers were able to win this one with help from running back Eddie Lacy, who returned from a concussion. Detroit, which has the 3rd most empathetic defense in the NFL this year, let him run for 99 yards so he could gain his confidence back. Lacy was able to play through the entire game, and following its conclusion he told reporters his “brain has never felt softer.”
Cincinnati 13, New England 9
Before this week’s game, Tom Brady called out Patriots owner Robert Kraft for not providing his offense with a receiving corps that is NFL-ready. Kraft responded by expressing his excitement that Tom Brady said his name.
Baltimore 26, Miami 23
Due to a miscommunication between the league office and Ravens’ staff, both of these teams believed they were supposed to be the away team for this game. As a result, the teams travelled to each other’s stadium and played via a Skype connection. Baltimore was able to put up the winning score when the internet connection was laggy in the fourth quarter.
Oakland 27, San Diego 17
This matchup was delayed late into the evening as a result of the MLB playoffs, and as a consequence no Raiders fans attended the game because “we have to be up early for work tomorrow and we’re not going to wait up to watch the freaking Raiders” (issued in a joint statement on Raidersnation.com).
Kansas City 26, Tennessee 17
This game was close until the late second quarter, when Titans running back Chris Johnson was forced to leave the field with an existential crisis. Titans coach Mike Munchak said Johnson has been reevaluating whether there is a point to spending his life running back and forth on a rectangle. He is questionable for next week’s game at Seattle.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.