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Opinion: How I Learned to Control My Impulse Disorder
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By Guest Columnist Randy Freeman, author of RandyFreemansFreeAdviceBlog.net

Oh God, I just started the article and already this is going exactly the wrong way. I needed to come out here with confidence and say exactly what I needed to without stopping to criticize myself but here we are in the second sentence and I’m going on an egotistical self-hating rant. I can’t believe this is happening.

  
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Dammit, Randy!

It would have been too easy to come out here and deliver the advice I wanted to give. No, instead, I do the exact opposite of what I am claiming to be able to do and completely embarrass myself in the face of the public. I wish I could say I’m surprised that this happened but I’m only disappointed that I didn’t see it coming.

Do you know what the real irony is here? I was planning on talking about how blogging helps distract me from my worries and gives me a break from my meticulous self-criticizing. Isn’t that a laugh and a half! This thing was destined to fail right from the beginning. How naive I was to assume this would have started any better than it did.

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In the meantime, heaven forbid I do anything other than continue to write this ridiculous nonsense and completely blow my opportunity to save face. Wouldn’t that be a trip. I could pretend this insane ranting never happened and at least make an attempt to restore some notion of my sanity in the mind of the reader. But no, in typical Randy fashion I continue to make the same mistakes and expect a different result. That’s the definition of insanity, isn’t it?

In fact I am aware that I could choose not to send this article to the editor at all. I could easily retain one last shred of dignity by just doing nothing at all. I could choose to shut my computer off right now, and this whole article would vanish instantly. That’s what any reasonable person would do if they somehow ended up in this absurd situation.



But no, I’ve been through this song and dance a thousand times before and it always ends the same way. This is just another item to add to the long list of stupid shit I’ve put myself through for no reason at all. Well, good job Randy. Congratulations. I hope you’re proud of what you’ve accomplished here today. A total disaster from start to finish. You’ve really done it this time.



 

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