Opinion: I Am Happy to Announce My Retirement from Running Microsoft…Oh and Also I Killed John F. Kennedy
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by Steve Ballmer, former CEO of Microsoft

I can’t believe this moment is actually here. After a long career in the technology industry, culminating in the opportunity for me to run Microsoft for 13 years, it is time for me to retire.


It’s been one heck of a ride, and I’m so thankful that I’ve had the support of my friends, family, and colleagues along the way. With this being likely my last address in front of the public for some time, I’d like to say a few words about my career and use the opportunity to reveal that I am the one who killed John F. Kennedy.

Yes, my time as the CEO of Microsoft is over and I am proud of my accomplishments. When I was a kid, I never dreamed that I would become the leader of the biggest name in the personal computing industry. I never thought I would get to be involved in the dawn of the digital age, and help introduce advanced technology to a mass market. I also never dreamed that during high school I would become involved with an anarchist organization that was secretly funded by the Cuban government to subvert capitalism from the inside. It’s funny how you never know what you’re going to get in life.

It wasn’t an easy road by any means. I had to follow up Bill Gates, a true legend of the industry. I was criticized for reorganizing the staffing structure of the entire company, and many of my decisions went against technologies that would later become enormous successes.

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And then there was that fateful day in Dallas, November 22, 1963. Crowbird had secured a spot on the knoll, and gave me the signal that his sightline was clear. This meant I would head to the terrace below the Fairbank Motel, 2 blocks south of Oswald and facing the limo from the back right side. I lined up my shot…I was to wait for the cue from Dextro and then it was go time. While my eyes were on the limo, my mind was on the suitcase in my hotel room….50 million dollars in cash. And 50 million more once the deed was done, so long as Moreno held up his side of the bargain. I didn’t think I had it in me to kill for money, and when I heard the sparrow call from the crowd I flinched. But I had already come too far, there was no turning back. I held my breath, closed my eyes, and pulled the trigger on the President of the United States.

But through all these ordeals I learned valuable life lessons. I learned that hard work is the only way to accomplish your goals, and that a great motivator leads by example and will listen to suggestions from everyone around him. And perhaps most importantly, I learned that you don’t have to live on the run from the CIA if you can develop an advanced computer technology to use as leverage in return for your guaranteed safety and freedom from prosecution. Only good-old fashioned experience can teach lessons like that.

So thanks again to everyone who believed in me along the way. I’d like to think that history will ultimately remember me as more esteemed than the shareholders did during my tenure. While I may not have been the best CEO Microsoft has ever had, I was the culprit behind perhaps the greatest murder mystery in American history. That’s pretty impressive, right?

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting. The JFK murder mystery remains unsolved.



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