In a press conference delivered earlier today, President Barack Obama addressed concerns about national security and the economy by calling for citizens of the United States to shut the hell up for one second so he can try to figure out a plan.
“I just need a minute. One Goddamn minute,” the President lamented to the group of reporters as he shook his head. “How am I supposed to solve the nation’s problems when you guys are in my face constantly?”
The announcement came after a reporter asked Obama how his plan for lowering education costs for students would allow colleges to continue operations with their budgets already severely limited by federal and state funding. Following the question, the president began to tear up and he banged his fist on the podium.
“I don’t know! Ok? Are you happy?” he yelled as he held up his arms in exasperation. “I’m just trying to help, but it’s so damn frustrating when every time I sit down to try and think of an idea to help this nation I have millions of people criticizing me.”
“When I thought about bringing troops into Syria, people told me I was starting a new Iraq War. I decided to wait to get more information, and people told me I was ignoring human rights concerns. Do you think you can do this job? To the people who write columns critiquing my policy no matter what I do, do you want to be President? Huh? Here, why don’t you come on up here and take the most stressful job on the planet and let’s see if anyone criticizes you?”
Following this announcement, Obama was escorted off the podium and senior White House officials noted that reporters should not attempt to come up to the podium and become President of the United States. Shortly after, Vice President Joe Biden arrived to speak on Obama’s behalf and offer his take on the President’s condition.
“Look guys, Barry is going through a real tough time right now. He’s a very sensitive dude…and he needs your support right now just as much as you need his. The man is trying the best he can and that’s all we can ask of him.”
Following the press conference, reporters followed a teary Obama back to his limousine where he buried his head in his hands and asked everyone to leave him alone.
This article is satirical and does not represent factual reporting.