In a landmark ruling earlier today, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA), a judicial body which has clandestine proceedings and authorized the controversial NSA surveillance program, announced that it has declared itself a legal entity within the United States Constitution.
“We have received a number of complaints since the Snowden incident that our court is operating unconstitutionally. Today I am happy to announce we have responded to those critics with a secret ruling that makes the court completely legal,” confirmed Reggie Walton, the court’s Chief Judge.
Walton notes that the decision was made in a private court session this afternoon, in which members of the court added an amendment to the United States Constitution. The amendment reads as follows:
It is hereby decided that the FISA Court has the authority to make executive rulings on any issue of legality in the United States, including about itself and all previous amendments. Any person or governing body which opposes the will of the FISA Court will be tried as a traitor by due process under the FISA Court.
Professor Ronald Andrews, a constitutional scholar at Toledo University of Arizona, noted that while the decision to add an amendment is certainly controversial, the FISA Court has the legal authority to pass an amendment without providing details about its proceedings or receiving input from other branches of government.
“Normally, adding an amendment to the constitution is a difficult and lengthy process that requires many different representatives to agree on an issue. But yesterday FISA passed the Amendment Amendment Act – which allows for FISA to add whatever amendment to the constitution they please. With that power they are essentially the leading authority of the United States.”
Little is currently known about the Court, other than information about its proceedings that were leaked by Edward Snowden. President Obama has not provided comment on the most recent ruling specifically, but pledged his support of the court’s operations in a press conference earlier today.
“The FISA Court, and the people who run it, are to be trusted on decisions like this. As an abider of the FISA Control Of The President’s Agenda Act which was passed by FISA in 2007, I pledge my undying support to the organization and acknowledge that their authority cannot be questioned.”
Sources report that following his comment the President darted his eyes back and forth, and began whispering into the microphone:
“It isn’t safe to discuss this here. If you all knew the terrifying truth behind the…”
At this point the president’s microphone went dead, the lights, turned off, and a menacing voice came over a loudspeaker to announce the press conference was over.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.