by Alex Rodriguez
Well, it looks like my career is just about over. The last few years I have dealt with injuries, personal conflicts, and revelations about my use of performing-enhancing drugs; and now it looks like the hammer is about to come down. Thankfully, I have gotten a great deal of support from my remaining fans. But while I don’t want to complain, I have to wonder. How is it that anyone actually roots for me anymore?
For example, the other day it was my birthday, and I saw several fans with signs outside of my training facility that said things like ‘Happy Birthday A-Rod!’ and ‘We Still Love You’. Seriously? You are still supporting me? After I lied to you and everyone about steroids for years, admitted it, then continued taking illegal human growth hormones? After it was revealed that I cheated on my wife several times with prostitutes and strippers? What exactly do I have to do to lose you as fans?
I’m not trying to come off as ungrateful. It just kind of amazes me that anyone would still cheer for me, considering how often I’ve proved that I am dishonest, egotistical, and do not care at all about my fans, friends, and family. My brother stopped rooting for me years ago. My mother actively supports the pitchers that face me when I up to bat. Hell, even I have taken pleasure from watching my fall from grace because I know what an asshole I am.
I guess I’m just curious what I would have to do to lose the people who somehow still want to see me succeed in life. Do I need to injure some people? Murder someone? What the hell do I have to do to make you see that I am a scumbag who deserves none of the accolades I’ve received in the past and should be banned from baseball for life?
So please, if you remain a fan of me, could you just send me a letter explaining why after all these years you choose to take the time to make signs and visit my training practices to voice your support for me? It will be the first fan mail I ever read, but I want to do this. I am just dying to know. I do thank you for the recognition, but seriously, there is no reason why you or anyone else should still be rooting for me at this point. Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the viewpoint of any real person.