Speaking to a group of reporters earlier today, John Kerry announced that he was pleased by recent progress in discussions between Israeli and Palestinian leaders, and is excited by prospects of successfully resolving a decades-old conflict. He noted that while the two sides were not ready to talk yet, they had begun giving each other awkward glances and other facial cues to indicate a discussion may be upcoming.
“I met with Prime Minister Netanyahu and President Abbas just yesterday. At first they refused to look at each other as usual, but a few hours later they definitely made eye contact. At that point, I distinctly saw Netanyahu raise an eyebrow. This is an important first step toward advancing to a discussion.”
This marks the first time that the two leaders have acknowledged each other’s existence since 2011, when then Secretary-of-State Hillary Clinton invited them both to the same restaurant for dinner. Kerry has taken a less forward approach, which he indicated may allow for the two to ease into a discussion.
“Netanyahu has made the first move. Next we may see Abbas respond to his gesture with a slight shrug or head nod, which would be an excellent sign that the stage is set for a dialogue.”
Kerry did acknowledge that this may take some time, but he feels that once the two sides are ready to talk there will be great promise for the two to finally work out their differences.
“I have to say, this time just feels right. Maybe it’s just the gorgeous weather we’ve had recently, but something in the air is telling me that these two factions are going to make some real progress. I know leaders have said this in the past, but the difference between this time and previous efforts is that I have a great feeling about this one.”
Note: This article is satirical and is not based on factual reporting.