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Opinion: Big Banks Do Not Engage in Price-Fixing Assuming You All Want to Keep Your Jobs
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by Antony Jenkins, CEO of Barclays

Here at Barclays, we’ve received a great deal of complaints lately that we’ve been involved in manipulating prices of various raw commodities to increase our profits. Well I would just like to take the time to say once and for all that these accusations are completely unfounded, so long as you people want to maintain your financial security and continue to be employed in the future.

  
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As the leader of one of the largest financial institutions in the world, I know that sometimes my company’s actions and those of others that are ‘too big to fail’ can appear a little suspicious. And with a little bit of investigation, they may seem downright unlawful. But the people who say these kinds of things are forgetting that if we wanted to, we could call on their governments to repay incredibly large debts immediately and spiral their job markets into utter chaos. So why even bother looking into it?

My grandfather had a saying that I think applies to this situation pretty well. He used to tell me, ‘Boy, don’t piss off the people that hold your financial security in the palms of their hands’. Gramps understood that ignorance is often the best way to approach issues that involve large companies like Barclays. And wouldn’t you know, he never had a mammoth institution pay people to disrupt his livelihood as vengeance for exposing their corruption.

I mean, think of it this way. Global finance is a complicated process that is going to have some funny-looking complications when you pore over the details. Or maybe thinking about it this way would be more helpful: if you want to keep your house, your car, and every other material possession you own or plan to own shut the hell up and stop asking questions.

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Now some have argued that companies like my own have a moral imperative, nay, a moral responsibility to be accountable to the people whose labor and expenses make up the foundation of the global economy. Well, I can assure you that we are currently taking all the necessary steps to find those people, bribe their employers to fire them, and empty their savings accounts because we are ultimately above the law and can do whatever we damn well please.

So next time you think that you’d like to support a government or independent investigation into the heinous and corrupt wrongdoings of my company, just remember a few things. We own the governments. And the press. And you. We have done nothing wrong, and if we have, there is really nothing you can do to stop us.



Note: Humorous Satire



 

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