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Man Arrested for Having Sex with Door

What does Anthony Bruce Berry, 57, of Lake Worth think of doors? They’re adorable. At least we can stipulate as much from the fact that he rubbed knobs with one, knocked it, banged it, whatever you want to say – engaged in the sort of relationship unnatural between man and door. All this front door action startled and amazed a business owner who video taped it and called police.

When policed arrived on the scene, they asked the man, who had subsequently abandoned the door without so much as leaving his phone number, and was sitting on a nearby park bench, whether he had exposed himself, and he cheerfully admitted that, “Yes, I have a mental problem!”

Oh, if that were only a get-out-of-jail free card! Are you refusing to pay your bill for all this food? “Yes, I have a mental problem”; did you just pinch my butt? “Yes, I have a mental problem”; did your organization deliberately vet GOP groups more vigorously when they applied for tax exemption? “Yes, I have a mental problem.” Oh, well, at least he knows he has a problem.

Berry has faced charges of indecent exposure twice before, amidst 32 other arrests ranging from robbery to sexual assault to cocaine use. Evidently nobody told him not to bang the door when he comes through, but the door, for its part, seemed stiff-lipped and unwilling to comment on the incident.

Daniel June: Daniel June studied English literature at Michigan State University, graduating in 2003. Working a potpourri of jobs since, from cake-decorator to proofreader, his passion has always been writing, resulting in books of essays, novels, and children’s novellas.