A recent study from the astronomy lab at the University of Arizona has the physics world up in arms as it describes a complex phenomenon that neither I, the author of this piece, nor you, the reader, will ever be able to understand in our lifetimes.
“This revelation changes the way we will understand physics forever,” said the study’s lead investigator Dr. Morton Ballings of the complex equations that make no sense at all to someone who lacks an advanced knowledge of physics.
“This changes everything,” he said.
Ballings says that the new study undermines the ‘Subatomic Effort of Force Principle’, a notion which I could attempt to put in layman’s terms but to be frank would be a pathetic effort to condense incredibly difficult mathematics into a watered down note that anyone with a brain and two hands could fit into a Tweet.
According to the study, physicists spent years collecting data, which they forwarded to me in an Excel sheet. The file is 2,000 pages long and I have no idea what any of the numbers mean. I could tell you what those numbers are, but I have serious doubts you would know what they mean either.
While the physicists involved in the study believe it will change the study of physics forever, others in the field are more skeptical that the results are significant.
“This study, while interesting, is incomplete. It does not address the Planck Conversion of Energy analysis which might overimpose a light-dense entropy, which would in turn invigorate an instantaneous node. Or several nodes.” said Dr. Melvin Orange of Washington State University, or maybe he said something else because it all sounded like gibberish.
“In effect the ionization of the subatomic particles creates an isolated energy field which could theoretically bias the study results,” he may have said.
Dr. Ingrid Michael, who also participated in the study, says that the results show an effect that could be likened to a balloon popping in a vacuum.
“Imagine a balloon. Except, instead of a balloon, imagine 6 dimensions of a hyperfield acting as a nearly massless body within an ergotype,” she said.
“Now if you were to ‘pop’ that ‘balloon’, our study found that the effort force of transitional light nodules realigns the ionization scheme to produce intrastellular energy.”
The study authors say they want everyone to be able to see the incredible results of their experiment, so unlike many academic studies, the full analysis will be posted for free online. They encourage readers to comment on the article and provide feedback on how this discovery can be used in the field.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.