Opinion: There Might Just be Too Much on my Mind Right Now to Really Focus on this Basketball Game

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by Al Jensen, Minnesota Timberwolves superfan

Dang. I’m not sure I can do this today. I love the Timberwolves, and always want to voice my support for the team when I come to watch the games. But there may be just a little too much on my mind for this right now.

  

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I hope I remembered to fill the meter. I think the sign said free parking after 8…but now that I think about it that doesn’t make much sense for stadium parking. It should be a flat rate, right? I don’t know what I was thinking when I pulled in.

Oh, a goal. Alright, go Wolves!

Geez, the last thing I need right now is another parking ticket. They are starting to pile up…and I don’t even know if I can pay rent this month. What’s today…the 12th? That gives me a little over two weeks to come up with the money. Two weeks…if I can pull in 600 dollars a week until then I think I should be ok…

YOU SUCK LEBRON! YOU GOT NOTHING IN THE T-WOLVES HOUSE!!!

…sigh. I don’t know. These season tickets may have been a huge mistake. At the time it felt like such a great decision. But that was when I was getting all of those shifts at Arby’s. But since Reggie took over as manager I’ve been getting less and less every week. It’s very concerning.

[MORE JOKES: Michael Sam Confounds Nation by Admitting He Used to be Straight]

I hope Reggie isn’t going to fire me. I know he hasn’t really liked me since I accidentally spilled coffee all over his daughter when he brought her in for Bring Your Child to Work Day. Surely he knows that was an accident…I know the burns caused permanent damage but I really don’t think it was entirely my fault…

Oh…DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!

…I should stop drinking coffee. It makes me too anxious. My heart races and I think I’m going to have a heart attack. Especially if I’m working and it’s especially stressful. I really need to take care of my body and stop eating so much junk food too.

Actually I’m getting kind of hungry. Dammit, I forgot my granola bar at home! Ugh, so typical. My memory seems like it’s getting worse and worse every day. I wonder if it’s an early sign of dementia.

What?! How is that a foul?! Are these refs even watching the game?!

…shit. I’m getting old. I’m getting too old for this. I want to be 19 again. Everything was great when I was a teenager. I had my whole life ahead of me. I never thought 20 years later I would be kissing Reggie’s ass to get more night shifts at Arby’s.

Oh…is the game over? We won? I didn’t even notice…

…woohoo.

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the thoughts of an actual Minnesota Timberwolves fan (as far as the author knows).