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Local Nine-Year-Old Weirdly Into Politics
According to his friends and family, local child Damian Jones has a profound interest in the happenings of the government and lawmakers; so much so that those around him are beginning to question the boy’s unusual passion.
“It’s a little unnatural, to be honest,” said his aunt Lisa Soto.
“He is always pestering people to get into a discussion about Obamacare, or the national debt. If it were an adult, I would be slightly bothered, but coming from a kid it’s just kind of weird.”
Jones’ parents say their son first became interested in politics during the 2008 election, when he was only four years old. They say he would watch speeches and repeat rhetoric from politicians.
In the years since, he has taught himself about how the government works, and regularly watches CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC to keep up with hot-button political issues. Despite his knowledge and interest, however, Jones has no immediate plans to enter politics.
“I wouldn’t refer to myself as someone who seeks to be a politician…but find me a lawmaker who would,” he said with a smile and an off-putting wink for a child his age.
“I kid, I kid. I would say the idea certainly appeals to me, but for now I am focusing on rounding out my stances on issues. I just had an invigorating argument on an online forum with some East Coast liberal nimwit who had the gall to tell me that redistricting local congressmen in certain blue states would help raise minority voter turnout. Ha! What an idiot!”
Claire Pederman, Jones’ elementary school teacher, says the boy’s intrigue is rare for children his age and presents a unique opportunity in the classroom.
“Quite frankly, it’s kind of annoying,” she said.
“He’s always blabbing on about some congressman, or new law, or whatever. I know I’m supposed to cater to the intellectual interests of my students, but in this case I just have to tell him to shut up every now and then and work with the paper mache like everyone else.”
But Jones said his teacher, and his classmates as well, just don’t understand politics.
“When I went to run for student council president, kids were only interested in issues like candy and recess,” he said.
“So maybe I wasn’t ‘cool’ enough to win. Well, elections are not about popularity contests. Ok, I guess they are. But maybe they shouldn’t be…ah just forget it.”
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.Local Nine-Year-Old Weirdly Into Politics by Jonah Lustig