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Iran Agrees to Limit Nuclear Program to “Moderately Destructive” Capabilities
Diplomats emerged from intense discussions at Geneva this morning with encouraging news on the nuclear situation in Iran. According to several world leaders, after tense negotiations Iran signed a decree in which it would promise to limit its nuclear arsenal to have only the capability of annihilating a medium-sized nation.
“We are happy to announce we have come to an agreement for Iran to build only moderately destructive nuclear weapons, that will cause only a modest amount of devastation and horror to humankind,” said Amir Kazemi, a spokesperson for the Iranian government.
“We feel this is a victory for Iran and the rest of the world as well, with the exception being the large group of people who will be destroyed by these weapons when we decide to deploy them.”
With this agreement, Iran becomes the 74th nation to join the ‘Middle Pack’’, a name given to countries who are legally permitted under international law to develop the nuclear capability to annihilate a “fairly big country or small continent.”
In total, 179 countries have a legal permit to build nuclear arsenals. Iran had been hoping to be allowed into the group of 12 nations which are permitted to build facilities which could develop weapons to destroy the world and moon. Beyond that, three nations (China, Russia, and England) have the means to destroy the galaxy, and the United States owns an arsenal capable of wiping out the universe and several other neighboring universes as well.
Russian President Vladimir Putin, who was an avid supporter of the measure, says the agreement will help him in his quest to take over the world:
“I wanted Iran to have more nuclear weapons, and now they will, so I am happy because this is all part of my incredibly complex and ingenious plan for global domination.”
President Barack Obama could not attend the summit because his government does not exist right now, but he told the media if he could have attended he believes he would have pushed for harder limits on Iran’s programs.
“I would like to say that if I was at that summit I would not allow that measure to pass. But, it’s tough for me to say from the sidelines. Maybe all the leaders got a little tipsy and bonded over a game of Twister before completing the deal. In that situation I may have folded as well.”
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani says he has no immediate plans to act on the measure, but as member of his staff told the media the president has been smiling constantly since the announcement was made. Iranian media outlets are reporting that the government will celebrate the news by launching a few dozen missiles in the ocean.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting