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How Politicians are Spending the Shutdown

As the government shutdown continues without an end in sight, here’s how some members of congress and the senate are spending their self-imposed vacation:

 

John Boozman – R – Arkansas
Finishing his screenplay about a politician who wants to be a screenwriter but never has time to finish his screenplay

 



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Chris Coons – D – Delaware
Build-a-Bear Workshopping

 

Brian Schatz – D – Hawaii
Deleting emails

 

Joe Pitts – R- Pennsylvania
Visiting his wives and kids

 

Tim Ryan – D – Ohio
Playing ‘Bar Patron #6’ in a local theater production of Mary Poppins 2: Algeria, Ho!

 

Susan Collins – R – Maine
Building a birdhouse made out of old toothpicks

 

Patrick Murphy – D – Florida
Exploring his dog’s sexuality

 

Keith Ellison – D – Minnesota
Learning how to pronounce ‘furlough’

 

John Tester – D – Montana
Getting his tonsils out

 

Jeffrey Chiese – R – New Jersey
Pacing in circles because he can’t access his work email from home and IT has been furloughed

 

Jim Inhofe – R – Oklahoma
Watching the dogs while his wife is at work

 

Mo Brooks – R – Alabama
Experimenting with psychedelic drugs

 

Paul Tonko – D – New York
Having some good-old fashioned fun

 

Raul Labrador – R – Idaho
Doing the six things there are to do in Idaho

 

Suzan DelBene – D – Washington
Sitting on her front porch, smoking cigars, and yelling sexual comments at the men who walk by

 

Tim Scott – R – South Carolina
Playing Solitaire on his blackberry

 

Michael Enyart – D – Illinois
Playing hide-and-seek with his kids’ friends

 

John Boehner – R – Ohio
Looking for work

 

Mike Lee – R – Utah
Working, completely unaware that the shutdown is taking place because he was in the bathroom when it was announced

 

Patty Murray – D – Washington
Deshelling oysters

 

Beto O’Rourke – D – Texas
Rewatching China Beach on Netflix

 

Lamar Alexander – R – Tennessee
Working on fixing the debt crisis and reopening the government

 

Sheldon Whitehouse – D – Rhode Island
Undoing everything Lamar Alexander is working on so he can get more time off

 

Rick Nolan – D – Minnesota
Getting coffee with his ex-girlfriend he hasn’t seen in 10 years and pretending he is not still in love with her

 

Joyce Beatty – D – Ohio
Building tiny microwaves for ants, because if she won’t who will?

 

John Hoeven – R – North Dakota
Making a workout schedule and music playlist for his new initiative to go to the gym every other day

 

Kirsten Gillibrand – D – New York
Spitting mostly

 

Jon Tester – D – Montana
Giving himself a thumbs up while standing in front of a mirror with his shirt off

 

Billy Long – R – Missouri
Tracing his genealogy, which will lead to an extended sailing adventure through the South Pacific

 

Angus King – I – Maine
Being satisfied with his decision to not join either party

 

David Vitter – R – Louisiana
Rediscovering his passion for shoe-cobbling

 

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting

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Jonah Lustig Posted by on October 10, 2013. Filed under Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.