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Opinion: If I Could Do it All Over Again, I Would Have Been a Deep Sea Explorer

by Mariano Rivera

Well, my Major League Baseball career is finally over. What a ride it’s been the last 20 years. After entering the league as a free agent from Panama back in 1990, I finally got my shot to play in 1995 and haven’t looked back since. Now I will likely go down as the best reserve pitcher to ever play the game.

When I look back on my career, with all the accomplishments and accolades I was able to achieve, one thing stands out from everything else: I wish I had been a deep sea explorer instead.

Now don’t get me wrong, being a pitcher in the MLB was pretty great. But there’s something about the ocean that just calls to me. The idea of being out in unchartered waters, exploring age-old myths and mysteries while drifting across the lonely sea, it just seems like the right career path for me.

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The All-Star games, the World Series wins, yes they all mean a great deal to me. But there is no doubt in my mind that I would trade them away in a heartbeat for the chance to be a man of the water.

Each day I would have woken up at dawn, arisen from my cabin and taken a hearty whiff of salty air. Then I would have headed down to the kitchen to cook up some fresh fish for breakfast and know in my heart I am where I belong.

I imagine I could have had some great adventures with giant octopuses and dangerous pirates. I sure would love to look back on an experience in which my crew and I were held hostage by a brigade of Greenlandic ex-convicts, in which I would save the day by helping their leader overcome his irrational fear of sea turtles. What a proud moment that would have been!

I can see it now, sailing from port to port and meeting friends and lovers in coastal cities across the world. I would have women fall in love with my copper-toned muscles and surprisingly gentle caress, only to leave them time and time again for my first love: the sea.

In fact, after thinking about this a great deal I am ready to announce today that following my retirement from the Yankees, I will set out West on an expedition to discover the Lost City of Atlantis. With nothing but a small wooden ship and a ragtag crew of misfits, loners, and other retired baseball players, I will embark into the setting sun to find what adventures await me beyond the shore’s horizon.

To conclude, thank you to all who helped me achieve glory in baseball, and I am sorry I must leave you now. As Joe Torre once told me, “Baseball is a career, seek to find your true passion in life.” I am ready now, Joe. Goodbye, my friends, fans, and family. I will always love you, but I must leave now to discover my true destiny. When history looks back on the life of Mariano Rivera, perhaps my time in the MLB will be a side note in the fantastic tale of the greatest explorer to ever conquer the Pacific tides.

Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the opinions of any real persons.

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Jonah Lustig Posted by on September 29, 2013. Filed under Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.



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