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US Citizens Express Excitement over Prospect of Government Shutdown
As the threat of a government shutdown looms while the US Senate prepares to vote on several funding bills this week, sources are reporting that Americans around the nation are expressing their excitement over the possibility of the government losing its ability to spend money following the October 1st deadline.
“It’s pretty neat to consider that the government might have to shut down its operations,” says Daymond Williams, a car salesman from Mississippi.
“With the country in so much debt, it’s about time we stop wasting money on expensive services that don’t really do anything. Without the government in this country’s way, we may be able to save up for a bit and reclaim some economic prosperity.”
A recent poll with data taken from citizens across the nation indicated that 72% of Americans would “like” to see the government lose its funding, while 20% would “very much like” to see that same scenario play out. The remaining 8% are “concerned…but curious to see if it helps.”
Mandy Lorena, a bucket craftswoman from Atlanta believes that a government shutdown is consistent with how business is supposed to work:
“Normally, when you have a company or organization that loses billions of dollars every year and doesn’t provide a useful service to people, it loses funding and ceases to exist. From that perspective, this government shutdown should have happened years ago,” she said.
“When you look at the individual employees in Congress and the Senate, they are all inept and deserve to be fired. So what’s really the problem here?”
Government officials, however, have expressed less optimism about the prospect of a government shutdown. Speaker of the House John Boehner, for one, believes the economic ramifications will be dire if the Senate does not vote to avoid it:
“If the government shuts down, I don’t know how I will earn a living,” he said in a conversation with the national media.
“I won’t be able to buy food, pay for my housing, or do much of anything. Wait…is this what it will feel like to be unemployed? Dear God, so this is why everyone is so upset about that!”
Rumors on Capitol Hill are swirling about where Senators and Congressmen could turn to find future employment. Jamie Morgan, the manager of a Denny’s down the street from the Capitol Building says he has already received applications from six different members of Congress.
“None of them are really qualified, to be honest,” he said in a candid interview with JDJournal.
“They have very few useful skills, and overall seem like a fairly narcissistic bunch. I don’t think they are quite Denny’s material.”
The Senate is expected to vote on the measure in the coming days. If they cannot reach an agreement, they may need to do some work on padding their resumes.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reportingUS Citizens Express Excitement over Prospect of Government Shutdown by Jonah Lustig