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NFL Review – Week 1
Each Monday, our team of sports analysts will review some of the best football matches of the weekend, and offer insight and analysis on performances and prospects for the rest of the season.
New Orleans 23, Atlanta 17
This was an excellent matchup between two teams who both desired to score points and win. In the end, New Orleans was able to score 6 more points than Atlanta, and as a consequence were able to pull out the victory. Expect Atlanta to either try and score more points or give up less points in their matchup next week.
Chicago 24, Cincinnati 21
This offseason, players and coaches in Chicago were raving about the impact of new equipment manager Connor Santos. Santos did not disappoint in the Bears’ first regular season game, delivering a new helmet to receiver Brandon Marshall when he lost his during halftime. Without a helmet, Marshall would not have been permitted to take the field for the second half of the game.
Detroit 34, Minnesota 24
The good news just keeps coming for the city of Detroit. The Lions were able to pull this one out thanks in part to the rowdy audience of schizophrenic homeless people that make their home in the stadium’s bleachers. Vikings running back Adrian Peterson admitted the crowd was a factor when a woman rushed onto the field and stabbed him in the leg with a rusty nail.
Seattle 12, Carolina 7
We didn’t have time to watch this game, but if we had to guess we’d say that Seattle’s defense played pretty well and Cam Newton had a bad game. Maybe Carolina had some injuries in the secondary, which may spell trouble for the rest of the year. Of course, none of that could be true because as we mentioned we didn’t see the game and are making this all up.
New York Jets 18, Tampa Bay 17
Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez is finally paying dividends to New York fans by not coming anywhere close to the field due to an injury. The rest of the team celebrated by scoring 18 points, though it is to be assumed that at least 12 of those points were by accident.
San Francisco 34, Green Bay 28
In a rare feat in the NFL, San Francisco and Green Bay decided to talk through their differences and compromise on a final score without resorting to playing on the field. Both teams will be well-rested for next week’s match-ups as a result.NFL Review - Week 1 by Jonah Lustig