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Report: US Economy on the Mend; Other Report: US Economy Headed for Irreparable Disaster

Two reports on the condition of the US economy were released earlier this afternoon. According to the first report, US economic growth in the past quarter was higher than economists’ predictions and indicative of signs of recovery from the 2008 financial crisis. Economist James Hirsch notes that this information signifies a turning point in the progression of the economy and bright prospects for American citizens.

 

“The data is clear- the United States economy is exceeding expectations and performing at the highest level it has in years. One may draw the conclusion from this information that the US is headed toward a recovery that will lead to fortune and prosperity for all citizens,” says Hirsch.

 



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“It looks like we are finally out of the woods on this recession, and can welcome in a new era of sustained wealth and peace.”

 

Shorty following this news, another report was released which indicated that the jobless rate is growing at a higher pace than expected. The report detailed how the number of Americans applying for unemployment benefits has reached a new high while employers remain hesitant to take on new workers.

 

“As the job market continues to crumble, it is obvious that there is no hope whatsoever for the US economy and the people who sustain it,” said Hirsch after reading through the report.

 

“The data is clear- Americans should take all of their money out of the bank, put it into a burlap sack or trash bag, and flee to a country with a favorable exchange rate.”

 

Wendy Davis, a professor of economics at East Memphis University of Canada notes that the reports are telling about the direction of the economy; and that dividuals should heed the predictions they make.

 

“One cannot deny that growth is a marker of economic success, and the latest numbers seem to indicate that the US economy is performing well. This data is some of the best economic news the US has received in the past five years, and should inspire hope in citizens across the nation,” she said in a statement earlier today.

 

“Of course, one also cannot deny that unemployment is bad for the economy and the latest numbers are harrowing. From this information we can assume that the United States is headed into a dark age in which middle-class families will roam the streets looking for stray dogs to consume for sustenance.”

 

Davis cautions, however, that this forecast could change depending on the content of the next economic report.

 

“We must rely on the most recent information to make decisions on economic policy. While we wait for further news, the only thing we can do in the meantime is assume the most recent thing we read is 100% true and make hasty and irresponsible decisions based on it,” she said.

 

“That is how an efficient economic system runs.”

Note: This article is satirical and is not based on factual reporting.

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Jonah Lustig Posted by on August 29, 2013. Filed under Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.