by Chris Matthews
Good morning, my loyal fans. Looking around at what the news blogs, Twitter, and Joy Behar are talking about it seems that this George Zimmerman trial is the hot topic of today. I’m sure many of you have been keeping up with this story, and are awaiting some biting commentary on what this trial says about the state of race relations in the United States in the modern era. Or perhaps you are looking for an update on the proceedings, and remarks about how each side is handling their case.
Well, I’m sorry to admit this, but if you are seeking top-notch commentary on this issue than you have come to the wrong place. The truth is, I have absolutely nothing useful or even slightly substantial to offer on this one.
As a man who is paid quite handsomely to speak on issues like this every day, it may come as a surprise to people that I don’t have anything to say about the Zimmerman trial. I mean, I usually have plenty to say about the day’s hot topic, usually after only a cursory Googling or skimming over a report from my team of researchers. But I tried my usual tricks and I just have to be honest…I got nothing. I can’t think of any twisted angle to pull out of my ass on this one. So I’m just going to concede and let my competitors take this one.
I just want you to know, however, that I did give it a try. I thought maybe I could talk about how southerners still haven’t gotten over the Civil War, and a deep-rooted mistrust of African-Americans determined both the cause and likely the verdict of this case. I also thought I could go on a rant about how people from Florida are notoriously indecisive, and a case like this should be overseen by a jury of peers that I would personally prefer. These takes probably would have filled up a bit of airtime on ‘Hardball’, and gotten me through to the weekend.
But instead I’ve decided to just come out and admit that there is nothing even remotely interesting or insightful I could add to the national debate on this trial. I’m just going to sit this one out. I don’t want to waste your time or my time, and I also don’t want to ruin my perfect streak of providing kick-ass commentary on whatever my market researchers are telling me is trending (426,744 in a row).
So thank you anyway for coming to me looking for an update, I appreciate it very much and my advertisers do as well. I’m sorry to say that you’ll be leaving with as much knowledge about the George Zimmerman trial as you came in with, but I’m willing to admit that for this issue that might be best for all of us.
Note: This article is satirical and is not based on the opinions of real people.