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CIA Spokesperson: ‘I Am Lying To You All Right Now And Quite Frankly There Is No Reason My Position Should Exist’
After speaking to a group of reporters on a wide range of issues on Monday, Meredith Tortbaum, an official spokesperson for the CIA, broke down and revealed to reporters that her public addresses are a complete sham filled with lies and misdirections and that her position is ultimately pointless.
“I can’t take this anymore…guys I am completely lying through my teeth on all of these issues,” noted Tortbaum as she shook her head in frustration.
“The whole point of the CIA is to operate in secrecy. Do you really think I would stand up here and give you any useful information?”
Media professionals were reportedly shocked to hear such a daring confession from Tortbaum, who seized the opportunity to continue on a cathartic rant about the irony of having to explain clandestine proceedings to the masses.
“Just two seconds ago, when one of you asked me about whether we knew if Edward Snowden was heading toward Venezuela, and I said ‘we cannot confirm that at this time’…did you honestly believe that? Like, honestly? I’m kind of curious if you’re all incredibly stupid or just playing along in this circus of lies,” she lamented as she raised her hands in an exasperated gesture.
“Why do you even ask these questions? Do you enjoy seeing me squirm up here as I come up with some ridiculous misdirection or outright lie? Why the hell do we even hold these press conferences in the first place? Has everyone but me gone completely insane?”
At the conclusion of her rant, members of the media reportedly looked around nervously at each other as they wondered if they should reexamine the information they had collected at this press meeting and previous ones. Following a prolonged period of anxious silence, one journalist raised his hand and offered a question to Tortbaum:
“So, when you say you have been lying to us about everything, does that include this statement about lying?”
Following this, Tortbaum allegedly sighed and offered a final statement to conclude the press conference.
“I…I cannot confirm that at this time.”
Note: This article is satirical in nature and is not based on factual reporting.CIA Spokesperson: ‘I Am Lying To You All Right Now And Quite Frankly There Is No Reason My Position Should Exist’ by Jonah Lustig